


Playing by the rules

by MabMatilda



Category: Naruto
Genre: Boba references, F/M, Humor, Insanity, Kakashi is an adorable nutcase, M/M, Pining, Prompt Fill, kakairu_kink prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-12
Updated: 2013-07-12
Packaged: 2017-12-19 05:47:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,687
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/880146
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MabMatilda/pseuds/MabMatilda
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Konoha law forbids nin from asking out a nin of lower rank. Kakashi is sworn to uphold the letter of the law but when it comes to a certain sensei... well, the spirit of the law is another matter! <br/>Cheerfully silly!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Playing by the rules

**Author's Note:**

> I only hope it was as fun to read as it was to write! 
> 
> (That being said, this was done without a beta so please let me know if there are errors.)

On a balmy spring night, as he was hand washing yet another mask stained by an Iruka induced nosebleed, Kakashi realized something had to be done. 

The question of course, was how to go about it. 

As had many jounin before him, Kakashi took a moment to curse Katayama Yukimaru, the bastard had more or less single handedly made it impossible to ask out a lower ranking nin. Katayama had been a one man harassment machine, using first his jounin, then ANBU, status to intimidate the same nin he was supposed to respect as equally important defenders of Konoha. He never asked out a jounin, preying instead on chunin and older genin. Whether the victim agreed or not, the results were always the same. Do what he wanted, how he wanted, regardless of the other person's boundaries or suffer consequences ranging from nasty rumors to “friendly fire” when one least expected it. When Katayama's sick games were finally revealed in their sordid glory, he’d elected to compound his crimes and killed the fellow jounin who’d finally blown the whistle. 

The Nidaime himself had tracked him down and landed the killing blow. Upon his returen, the Hokage announced a new rule. There had been misunderstandings before, but Katayama’s deliberate use of the power of his position had just used up all forbearance on the matter. No ranking shinobi was allowed to approach someone of lower rank romantically, full stop. The punishments enumerated were harsh and got harsher the higher up the ladder one climbed. The penalties for ANBU were the worst of course, but jounin still faced very stiff consequences.  


Three ways of dealing with the restrictions developed over time. Seek out a civilian and fight your way through a pile of paper work and a pysch evaluation or three, date within your rank which was the most popular option, (Kakashi had tried that a few times and found it reminded him of nothing so much as musical chairs) or become Gai, (and eschew sanity and the desire to enter a relationship with a person instead of spandex).

Each rank policed themselves and all three, genin, chunin and jounin, worked in concert to keep the others honest. Kakashi himself had raised a warning eyebrow at a jounin who seemed to be skating close to the edge. Until Iruka had caught his eye, he hadn’t understood what it was to want desperately to ask someone out on a date but instead to be forced to settle for watching them from various places of concealment. Two options existed for the poor creatures who found themselves pining outside their rank. One could get stupidly lucky and be claimed by the object of one’s affection, thus bypassing all the hurdles, (see Nara, Shikaku, a.k.a. That Lucky Lazy Jerk). Or one could go the most desperate and pathetic route and try befriending the object of their affection.  
Kakashi had no intention of joining the last group. He’d seen them, lost souls mutely suffering while their loved one flitted about with no clue, often dating and in a few heartbreaking cases, even getting married without knowing their ‘friend’ wanted so much more. There was no way he was going down like that, watching smart, funny, brave, hot Iruka sign up for double occupancy with some sweet talking chunin or one of the few life long genins.

He also had no intention of going on platonic dates with Iruka, having friendly spars with Iruka, or heavens forbid, ending up on a friendly onsen trip with Iruka. Kakashi could just picture it. Having to watch all that brown skin be revealed as Iruka slowly stripped off his clothes, struggling to keep his hands to himself as the other man wrapped a towel around his waist, hiding his perfect round, luscious behind…  
Something splashed on Kakashi’s chest. He looked down at himself. Was that drool? Ew. This is what he had come to. Hatake Kakashi , scourge of Konoha, Copy-Nin and all around badass, was home alone on a Friday night drooling on himself. Oh, and washing another face mask because Iruka had bent over right in front of him in the missions office and damn near broken the silver haired man’s brain yet again. A blood vessel had definitely perished and he’d been forced to jutsu away before he’d turned in his mission scroll. Which meant it would be late, which meant Iruka would yell and get those flushed cheeks and Kakashi would zone out wondering if Iruka would be willing to punish the naughty jounin in private…  
Where was he again?  
Oh yeah, getting his man. 

So, how to get around the rule? As a loyal shinobi of Konoha, Kakashi wouldn’t break a rule laid down by a Hokage. That being said, he would bend the shit out of it if it was for the greater good. If there was a greater good than getting Umino Iruka into his life in general and his bed specifically, Kakashi didn’t know about it. It wasn’t like he wasn’t going to misuse Iruka. On the contrary, he was hoping to be the one taken advantage off. The more often, in fact, the better. He was fully willing to be ordered around, cleaned up and made to behave occasionally, as long as the sensei was willing to spend at least as much time petting as he did pushing. In return the academy sensei could expect to be given orgasms until he was practically sick of them, access to the master cook and masseuse that that was Hatake Kakashi and the opportunity to co-parent a pack of generally adorable nin-dogs.  
So, how to get Iruka to meet the parameters generally understood to indicate the lower ranking party was open to wooing? The only way a nin of higher rank was to considered clear to approach, (if not directly asked out), involved the lower ranking party expressing a desire to date/mate/propagate with the ranking nin, in public, sober and without a hint of coercion. Somehow Iruka had to be led, bribed or driven into meeting those conditions, preferably before Kakashi either died of blood loss or was reduced to walking with a permanent limp. As he returned to gently scrubbing his mask, (which was made the finest breathable, durable, opaque mesh available and utterly ruined by machine washing), Kakashi began to plot. 

The next morning he rose, feeling less than his usual best. Plans about getting Iruka had been derailed by imaginings of what Kakashi would do with the sensei when he got him. At one point he’d summoned the pack to help him brainstorm but they’d only listened for five minutes before Pakkun herded the rest of them out of the bedroom saying something about them being too young to watch a man break down. Kakashi had followed them out into the living room, protesting that the Inuzuka didn’t get this kind of backtalk. His only reply was seven small implosions as most of the pack disappeared. Pakkun lingered a moment. He seemed to hesitate for a moment before speaking. “Boss… Kakashi. Get some help.” Before Kakashi could call the little traitor any of the names that sprang to mind, the dog was gone. Lifting his chin Kakashi swanned… strode masterfully back to his bedroom to continue working on his plan. And today, tired or not, he would put that plan into action. 

 

Phase 1: Reconnaissance

Had he been in a particularly truthful frame of mind, Kakashi would have admitted to himself that this part was completely unnecessary to the successful implementation of the plan. Of course, had Kakashi been prone to such moments of raw, painful honesty, he wouldn’t have lasted very long as a shinobi, let alone become one of the best. So, after saying good morning to Sensei, Obito and Rin, (all of whom laughed themselves silly at him, sad to say), he moseyed over to the tree outside Iruka’s classroom window.  
Settling down, Icha Icha out as a cover should anyone inquire about his presence he settled down to the best part of his day. It was mid-morning so Iruka was really hitting his stride. Brown eyes were bright, the pony tail was perky: all was right in Umino land. When the sensei was tired or worried his hair drooped. Kakashi was sure most people didn’t notice it but he was an avid Iruka watcher. This was not his first time in this exact spot, his eye fixed intently on the compact package that was his soon to be sweetie.  
And cue the Hyuga brat… Hanabi turned to look out the window, the veins on her temple bulging slightly. Kakashi, denied the satisfaction of sticking his tongue out, waved jauntily. He knew good and well that the mini Hyuga had the baby hots for her teacher. While he saluted her good taste the kid was literally years to early to get to the promised land before the Copy Nin. She continued looking at him, glaring at him as only a Hyuga could, namely expressionlessly. After a minute Iruka noticed her inattention and quietly told her to meet him after class. Kakashi grinned as the little iceberg managed to pout without actually moving the corners of the mouth. Iruka shook his head at her and continued the lesson.  
"Hanabi-chan’s in trouble!" Kakashi mentally sang as he closed and pocketed his book. He would have loved to stick around all day and watch the heat seeking knee gremlin get a dose of ‘no-nonsense’ Umino-sensei but he had a scheme to get rolling. The idea that things roll best when going downhill did occur to him but while he was pen pals with reality, the only one he really wanted to get into a serious relationship with was the sensei. 

Phase 2: Seek counsel from those who have gone before you.

He had asked for advice while he was at the Memorial but none was to be had. Kushina and Sensei had started dating as chunin so they’d never been subject to the rule. And neither Obito nor Rin had really had a chance to date, a fact the Uchiha complained about at some length before being distracted by some of the finer points of Kakashi’s plan. Then he was all giggles and half finished, unhelpful sentences. Rin had just laughed the whole time. So, having given the departed their daily ration of chuckles, Kakashi resolved to investigate the living. He didn’t know many jounin that a) he knew well enough to inquire about their romantic history and b) wouldn’t immediately spread it far and wide that he had asked at all. After considering and discarding several options he found himself heading toward the Nara compound.  
He found Shikaku and Shikamaru right where he expected them to be, a secluded hill with an unobstructed view of the sky despite the stand of shade providing trees nearby. Lazy but not dumb was the unofficial clan motto after all. After flaring his chakra so they knew who was coming he walked up the hill and lay down next to Shikaku. Both Naras looked to be asleep and for a moment Kakashi debated joining them in a good laze. But no, his was higher purpose.  
“Hiding from Yoshino?” he queried. What a lot of people didn’t understand about Shikaku was that one was better off getting right to the point, getting the information and leaving before too much was revealed. The other man’s slight shift indicated an affirmative reply. Pause. Cloud that looked like Tsunade. Well, parts of her anyway. Cloud that looked like a kunai. Cloud with a divot in the middle that looked like Iruka’s scar…  
“You are a braver man than I.” Kakashi said slowly, carefully gauging each word. “She’s…” 

“Terrifying beyond all reason.” Shikamaru supplied from Kakashi’s other side. He thought Shikaku might have chuckled but then again it might have been a nearby badger. 

Pause. Cloud that looked like Naruto’s hair. Or was it Jiraiya-sama’s? 

“A very powerful woman, never mind that she’s a chunin. I admire her ability to get even you two moving.” Shikamaru grunted. More clouds were pushed across the sky and Kakashi focused on them instead of the man to right. Maybe I was too subtle? I was too subtle. 

“Who’s the chunin? Nevermind, I know it’s Umino. Very troublesome that one, he’s like Yoshino’s long lost twin when it comes to ordering people around.” Shikaku finally rumbled. Kakashi choked. In a very stealthy way of course. He’d wanted the older man’s advice but he hadn’t expected to be outed this quickly and in front of someone the age of his former students no less.  
Apparently his surprise hadn’t gone unnoticed because Shikamaru snickered, not unkindly. Before Kakashi could form the hand seals for the transportation jutsu, Shikaku spoke again. 

“I can’t really tell you how to go about it; one day I was working with her, the next we were dating. I know who you can ask though,” he said before raising his voice. “Oi, Shikamaru! Tell Kakashi-san how you and Temari handled it. You have said something right? My son doesn’t get up early to escort just any ambassador to the gate.” Shikamaru’s snickering stopped abruptly and Kakashi was given the satisfaction of knowing he could choke much quieter than that. He glanced at Shikaku. The other man still appeared asleep except for the unholy smirk curving his lips. Nara clan leader and jounin commander 2, Kakashi and Shikamaru, 0.  
Kakashi opened his mouth to ask if Shikaku had ever asked his wife why she had declared them a couple. Had the jounin been giving off particular signs? Pheromones? Did she lose a bet? The cloud of annoyed chakra heading their way forestalled any questions. He knew that chakra. And sure enough, even as both Nara men groaned, Yoshino crested the hill. Her black eyes swung from her husband to her son and back again, dismissing Kakashi with an ease he was rarely privileged to experience. 

“Did you, or did you not both promise to fix the fence around the compost pile?” Even knowing he was safe from her wrath, Kakashi fought the urge to cringe. Yoshino wasn’t yelling; she was using that excessively reasonable tone women had that warned the listener that their next words could save their lives or end it. “Didn’t you also say, Shikaku, that you would vaccinate the yearlings today? And Shikamaru, aren’t you supposed to be checking the stocks of medicinal herbs? It’s your turn today.”  
Yoshino’s voice had gone beyond reasonable and into sickly sweet. Kakashi was sure he was imagining the halo of flames around the woman’s head but then again, that could be due to the killing intent rolling off her in waves. That seemed to have been the signal because though neither Nara male was moving with alacrity, they were rising. Yoshino turned and marched down the hill, confident in the knowledge that her men would be along shortly. Shikaku nodded at Kakashi and then ambled off after his wife, hands in his pockets. Shikamaru lingered for a moment, staring down at Kakashi who did his best to look entirely trustworthy. 

“Tenten asked Neji out last week.” He said after a moment. “I’m not saying either of them will give you any ideas though. And it’s troublesome to have to say but if you hurt Iruka-sensei, you better go missing nin. Because if his friends don’t get you, his students will.” 

“NOW Nara Shikamaru!” Kakashi was treated to the rare sight of a Nara looking panicked for a split second before the boy composed himself and, with a careless wave, set off down the hill. 

Deciding it was too late to do anything more today Kakashi picked up some take out and headed home to mull over what the younger Nara had said. It warmed the cockles of Kakashi’s little black ninja heart to the think that Iruka was held in such high esteem. He’d always known his love pastry was popular but it was still good to know that there were so many watching out for Iruka. Then again, how long could it be before watching turned into wanting all that delectableness? How long did Kakashi have before some chunin decided to lay hands on what rightfully belonged to a certain silver-haired admirer? Dinner was eaten with a scowl as he considered methods whereby he could speak to Neji, Tenten too if he could manage it. He circled the obvious solution for a while, attempting to avoid the inevitable but in the end, he knew what he had to do. He’d said he would sacrifice for Iruka and he’d meant it. Tomorrow morning, second thing, Kakashi Hatake was going to challenge Gai. 

Phase 2b: The Challenge  
How, Kakashi wondered, in a village full of ninja, had no one noticed that Mrs. Gai’s little boy was losing his mind? Or had the Beautiful Green Beast been born out of his gourd? The haircut, the spandex, the shouting, the sparkling... Ninja were not meant to sparkle! Either Gai was the greatest nin who ever lived or he was a punishment for all Konoha’s sins, either way, Iruka owed the Copy Nin for this. Retribution would involve edible massage oils, feathers, a certain justu Kakashi had been saving that could change the flavor and viscosity of...

CENSORED

Ahem.. It occurred to him to curse the perfection of Iruka’s backside but, even here, in the depths of insanity, he could never be angry at that ass. In fact, just thinking of it, and his plans for it, was enough to deepen the Copy-Nin’s resolve. He exhaled slowly and got himself into a mission state of mind. His body was limber, his mind focused,his uniform in perfect repair and his cause just. A moment was spent re-adjusting his grip on the breast pump. He’d have to be careful not to crush it in the excitement of the moment but otherwise, he was ready to go. He looked at Gai and met the other man’s manic grin with studied indifference, a look that didn’t change when one of the targets snuffled and squirmed a little deeper into the mud. Breaking eye contact, Kakashi looked back into the pen. Time to milk a pig.

Phase 3: So. Much. Showering.

Phase 4: Information gathering  
Three days later the sun rose over the village hidden in the leaves, shedding its life giving rays on men, women, children and insane hell pigs in equal measure. Kakashi desperately wished to greet the dawn as he usually did when not a mission, by sleeping right through it. But today was special. Today he had sold his loveable little ninjalings down the nutcase river and received Gai’s team in return. Repressed, obsessed and sweet little Neji, such a nice boy. (The Sasuke unpleasantness aside Kakashi’s kinsmanship with and therefore affection for, arrogant prodigies with daddy issues continued unabated.) In any case, instead of forgoing the early portions of the day, Hatake-sensei was up and about and by golly these little beggars were going to pay for it.  
Once stalker boy was playing ‘The Quiet and Still Game” on ANBU level and Tenten was distracted by rare weapons specially brought in from the Hatake estate, it was time to deal with the pale eyed genius. Neji was doing slow katas and doing a decent job of looking like he wasn’t watching his girlfriend coo over a ceremonial mace. It was easy enough to get the younger man to follow Kakashi to an adjacent training ground though one well bred eyebrow was raised when the masked man sat down in a field and patted the ground next to him. Neji took in the grassy field, dotted with flowers, the profusion of fluffy clouds in the sky and the look on the Copy Nin’s... face.  
“I’d rather stand.” he said firmly. 

Undaunted, Kakashi chuckled. “Come on, sit with your sensei!” he said. Perhaps Neji preferred his heart to hearts with some sparkle? Disturbing but the information was important. The life of the ninja is strewn with difficulty, Kakashi mused before looking up at Neji and trying to sparkle. 

Phase 4a: Marvel at the high register the scion of the Hyuga could reach.

Phase 4b: Defend self from Tenten and mini-Gai. 

Phase 4c: Attempt to explain misunderstanding to Team 7 and Gai, who had been training nearby. 

Phase 4d: Fail at resisting impulse to add innuendo to explanation thus enraging already less than happy with their sensei Team 7. See Gai laughing himself silly in peripheral vision. Plot his doom.

Phase 4e: Wake up in hospital. Be apologized by by two sheepish teams. “Shika-kun explained,” Tenten whispered as the others were leaving. “Neji didn’t really do anything. I was taking a big risk but... when you know, you know, right?” She patted his arm cast and left before Kakashi could gather the breath to say that his knowledge was not the problem. 

Phase 4f: Sulk.  
This phase was by far the longest and the looks he’d been getting were not helping. Team Gai knew how to keep their mouths shut but by telling Team 7, Shikamaru may as well have posted a bulletin in the town square.By the time Kakashi managed to escape the hospital it was obviously the talk of the town, judging by the looks he’d gotten from everyone from Tsunade to Ichiraku. Add to that Iruka’s disappearance, (curse you Teacher Training and Onsen Testing Week!), and it was a very unhappy Hatake that moped about Konoha. Sensei, Obito and the rest tried to cheer him up, as did the nin-dogs but it was no use. Tired of sympathetic or laughing glances and walking into rooms where conversations suddenly stopped, the Copy-Nin took the first mission he could lay hands on. 

Phase 5: Resignation  
The time spent in the Land of Boba Tea had been constructive. And fattening. But mostly constructive. After a man has survived haddock tea with watermelon boba, (... don’t ask. Just... don’t ask.), enemy ninja’s wielding jutsu with names like “Grape Chiller of Just and Fruity Fury” and been forced to escape the overly handsy flora and fauna of the Sugar Dream forest, certain things become clear.  
He, Hatake Kakashi, Copy-Nin, Son of the White Fang, yada, yada, magic, yada, yada, mystery, was in love with Umino Iruka, the stone cold teacher hotness. He was also a proud ninja of Konoha and while he would massage a rule until it collapsed in a satisfied puddle at his feet, he was sworn not to break that same rule, no matter how brown eyes flashed or how tight and high the bottom, no matter how perky the pony tail. In time the rumors would die down and normal life would resume. It wasn’t a bad life after all. He had his (dead) friends, his (violent and vengeful) team and he could still (follow like a collection agent) see the object of his affections. What bliss! Kakashi thought before handing his report to one (blushing) Iruka, finding the bar nearest to the Hokage tower and commencing to drink like it was an A rank. 

Phase 5a: Alcomahol ish the answber  
Genma and Raidou were a cod... a cubby... a cute, cute, cute couple and they seemed happy when he told them so. Happy, happy, that’s what Iruka made him. Kakashi wanted to make Iruka happy and told Genma and Raidou how he had planned to make Iruka happy and why was Genma turning green. Toothpick boy disappeared and Raidou leaned forward. “You know Genma and Iruka are close cousins right?” he whispered. “Oh really?” Kakashi whispered back, confused as to why people on the other side of the bar were turning to stare. “He can give Iru-ru-ru-chan away then! I’m thinking a spring wedding because brown goes well with pink.” Raidou was saying something but he was ignored in favor of watching the vision of manhood itself approach, trailed by a chagrined looking Genma.  
Suddenly alert if not completely up to snuff, Kakashi began to move through the hand seals to jutsu away. Warm calloused hands wrapped around his and stopped him. Warm laughing brown eyes looked up at him. Unsure why he was being thus favored but unwilling to give up a moment of attention, Kakashi stilled and stared. 

“The fact that you were moving slowly enough that I could catch you says it all,” Iruka chuckled. “Friends don’t let friends drink and jutsu.” 

“Are we friends?” Kakashi murmured. It had come to this and now, in the moment, that was ok. It was better than ok because Iruka was positively grinning. 

“May I have everyone’s attention?” he called out. The place went silent suspiciously fast. “I’ve already made my intentions widely known, (a wave of quiet laughter rolled through the room), but I’m sure Hatake-sensei would prefer to have everything handled by the book. I, Umino Iruka, being of sound mind and body and free from coercion of any sort, do here in the sight of loyal nins and civilians of Konoha state my intentions toward one Hatake Kakashi. I intend to own that ass. As mentioned in the posters up around town, any parties wishing to register an objection can speak to me or Hatake-sensei after signing a waiver releasing us from liability.”  
With that, Iruka shifted his grip on his man and dragged him out of the bar. 

Phase 6: Oh my sensei... kajld;ajkfl; jasjf kaeo[ja o

*CENSORED*  
*CENSORED*  
*SO VERY CENSORED*

Phase 7: Icha Icha Commitment  
They ended up at Kakashi’s place; Iruka’s bedroom, bathroom, living room, kitchen, balcony, window sills, door, apartment building roof, and the roof of the building next door were not yet dry. After their extended session of getting acquainted Iruka had insisted that they clean up after themselves. Ever gallant, Kakashi volunteered to handle everything. The subsequent water jutsu had been a mite overpowered but the emergency crews were fairly sure that everything would dry fairly quickly. Fortunately the “Kakashi’s in the Village Repair Fund” was robust enough to cover both the cleanup and the trauma counseling Iruka’s neighbor’s were now entitled to. 

Wrapped around his love, curtains drawn and face bare, Kakashi dared ask the question that had vexed him as soon as the orgasms stopped. “How did you know?” The broad chest upon which he rested shook with quiet laughter. “How could I not? You've been stalking me for over a month. I had to convince Hiashi-san that you weren’t after his youngest and Hanabi that you were observing future rivals. Tsunade and Ibiki were taking bets on when you would start stealing my underwear. For heaven's sake, you challenged Gai! I’ll admit, the Neji incident threw me off but once Shika-kun told Naruto-kun... don’t let the big blue eyes fool you, a bigger gossip you’ll never meet outside the Academy. I was going to speak you in front of a few reliable witnesses but you disappeared to part unknown. I was frustrated so I um... made my interest clear.” 

“Made it clear how?”

“Uh... you don’t have to worry about having broken the law you know You technically never approached me. Besides, technically the line of information went from Shika-kun to Neji-kun to Tenten-chan and Naruto-kun. Since they’re a chunin and genin respectively, they were at at liberty to discuss the matter with me...” 

“Iruka, how did you make it clear that you were interested before the bar? I remember you saying something about posters? What are you? Oh. Oooooh.”

As Kakashi spoke the teacher, moving slowly but with clear intent, was sliding down Kakashi’s body nipping and sucking as he went. By the time he reached the Copy Nin’s hipbones the older man had given up on forming coherent sentences. He was so distracted that he didn't notice the small whisper of focused chakra as Iruka called his summons and gave them directions with his unoccupied hand. An hour later not a single “Attention: Hatake Kakashi is the property of Umino Iruka. Admire from afar or suffer up close.” had escaped removal by nin-squirrel.


End file.
